It's Okay
by Bandearg Rois
Summary: Is it possible in life to be in love with two different people? Roger/Mark, Roger/Mimi mentions of Roger/April


Disclaimer: I don't own RENT, or any of the characters therein. I just took them hostage and am amusing myself until the owners catch me.

A/N: I was reading a series of RENT fics here, and listening to the soundtrack. And this story hit me. AU, Mimi dies.

Pairing: Mark/Roger, Roger/Mimi (mentions of Roger/April)

Summary: Vignette about the convoluted relationships of the avant-gard.

Roger couldn't help the feeling that Mark was staring at him again. He'd been doing it for the last few days, ever since he had met that girl April. But what the fuck was he supposed to do? Mark may have been fine with his friends being gay (Collins was hilariously flaming sometimes), but he couldn't fathom that Roger liked him. The conversation had come up a few months before, right before Benny met Muffy and moved out, but it had never come to a decision for either of them. It wasn't like he'd be getting any from Mark, so why was the guy so pissed that he'd found someone to hold?

Maybe it was the drugs. He'd dabbled in it before, and Mark had always been against it. He'd been clean for a good few months before April, and in the last few days, he'd been high more than sober. That was probably it, but if Mark didn't get off his high horse and either talk about it or stop silently fuming, Roger was going to do something drastic.

"Okay, what crawled up your ass and died?" he asked finally, a few days later, after another one of his gigs at the bar. He'd gone home with April and come back to the loft in a fairly good mood, at least until Mark started staring at him again.

"Don't know what you mean," Mark said innocently, but Roger could taste the tension. Mark dropped the act soon enough, and sighed. "Rog, you know I don't like... Damn it. Why did you have to start using again?"

"Because it feels good!" Roger yelled, his mood completely shattered. "Because when I'm floating I can pretend that she's- never mind. I'm going to bed." He stormed into the room, grabbed a pillow, and went into Benny's abandoned room, sinking into the mattress on the floor and trying to sleep. His eyes were burning from unshed tears. He had almost admitted what he had trouble admitting to himself, that he got high to convince himself that he was fucking Mark, not April.

"Roger?" He started at Mark's voice, realizing that he'd fallen asleep. "Hunter's on the phone. Said April called him to find out where you were. You gonna call her?"

"Not tonight." Not while the drug was leaving his system and he couldn't handle seeing her and leading her to think he loved her... And not when the only thought in his head was to grab Mark and hold on for dear life, to quit the band get a job, anything to get away from the using, to show his friend that he was worthy of being loved.

"Okay. You hungry? Collins bought Chinese." Roger finally dug himself out of the mattress and sat up, recognizing the smell of lo mein, his favorite. Collins always got him an extra carton, because it was all he would eat.

"I could eat." Mark smiled, and Roger found himself smiling back, unable to stay angry at his friend.

"Roger, I-I went and got tested," April said about 3 months later. Roger could barely understand her over the phone, and couldn't believe what he thought he heard.

"You got tested? When? Where are you?"

"I'm at the clinic. The results came in today. I-I haven't looked yet. Can you come?" Roger closed his eyes and reached for his keys.

"I'm on my way."

Mark had almost returned to his old self when Roger found out he had HIV too. Mark was almost overprotective, making sure that both he and April were okay, going so far as trying to get her to move in with them. But it all crashed about four months after they found out. Roger went over to April's apartment to get her for dinner and found her in the bathtub. She had scrawled something resembling "We have AIDS!" on a post-it which was stuck to the mirror.

He lost himself in the drugs then, for awhile, unable to think. He hadn't loved her, had barely become good friends with her in the months they were together, the disease bringing them closer to a real relationship than anything else had, but it was still hard. On top of it, his brain finally caught on that Mark was off-limits. Maureen hadn't even been able to do that.

Mark was the one that brought him out of it though, by snapping at him to eat, and threatening to kick him out on the street if he didn't shape up. He finally did, glad to have Mark to help him through the withdrawal, the shakes, the puking, everything. Collins got asked to go to MIT, and then Maureen dumped Mark for the lawyer chick, and it had suddenly been over a year. Roger and Mark shared a room again.

Roger found it hard not to just kiss Mark sometimes, and was constantly holding back. Mark knew, and had actually approached him a few times, asking for... for what, he didn't really know. But he wasn't going to pass this shit to his friend, to... to the man he loved. He could finally admit that now, and had actually said it to Mark one night when they were both shivering in the cold of the loft one night.

Mark was still hung up on Maureen though, so he felt stupid. Then Benny came around, telling them they needed to pay rent. Roger was ready to kill him. Mark had muttered something about using the guitar as the weapon.

And then there was Mimi. She was confusing, and young, and he didn't know what to make of her. How could he be falling for this little girl who danced for money and still love Mark as deeply as he did? How the hell could he fall for her when she was using heavy, and he was still trying damn hard to stay away from the stuff?

How could he have fallen for a lying, conniving, cheating little whore? He found out that she had whored herself to Benny for their rent, and couldn't help it. He dropped her like a hot rock. It was apparently a misunderstanding, but then she started using again, and... How the hell could he still love her?

Poor Collins, though. Angel was a wonderful partner, and to lose her, was a blow to all of them. He couldn't stay, though... It was too much, having to see what would eventually happen to him... He left for Santa Fe and tried to forget them all. That was impossible, as he got a cold and almost died, and realized that he didn't want to die there. He wanted to die with his family, the people he loved. When he got back, he could hear Mark singing up on the roof.

Mark never sang unless something was wrong, and he ran up there, trying to figure out what was wrong.

"Mark?"

"Roger?" Mark looked like he'd been crying, and Roger gathered him up, sitting on the edge.

"What happened. Mark?"

"I quit my job. I-I couldn't just go out there and be a hypocrite anymore. I had to finish my movie, and... and you weren't here, and Collins left, and then..."

"Shh, it's okay. I understand. I couldn't stay there. I had to come home." He gave up the ghost and lifted Mark's face, kissing him sweetly on the lips. "I'm sorry, Mark. I don't want you to-"

"If we don't end up fucking tonight I'm going to hurt you," Mark said suddenly, changing gears and pulling Roger with him towards the access. "I've been wanting to for 2 years now, and you aren't putting me off anymore."

"But-"

"I know I'm going to get it. I don't care." Mark took over then, and it was all Roger could do to react.

Later that afternoon Benny called, asking about Mimi. Roger's heart wrenched, and it was all he could do not to run out and just look right then and there. He had something to tell her, and he wanted to say it to her face.

They looked all over, but couldn't find her. Suddenly it was Christmas Eve, and Collins brought them alcohol and money, trying to take their minds off of the search for an hour or so. But Maureen and Joanne had found her in the park. They carried her upstairs, and Roger sang the song that he'd written for her... He thought she would stay, he'd finally found the courage to tell her that he loved her, but she was gone.

It took a long while, but he finally got past it, realizing that loving Mark wasn't the same as not loving Mimi. That the whole time, it was okay to love more than one person, and he didn't feel guilty anymore. It was going to be okay.

A/N: Okay, so I know it was crap, but it was very cathartic somehow. Please don't be too mean to me, since this is my first Rent fic.


End file.
